life goals.

help animals. in small ways, in everyday ways, in the big ways.
create art. good art. art that is human, animal. art that connects, humanizes, heals, unites, transcends.
relationship. with good people. family, friends, animals, nature.
heal. myself, support others.
thrive. eat well, rest, play, explore, remain curious, learn, heal, grow, laugh, love, dance, create, write, act.
beauty. live it, create it, be it. recognize it, celebrate it, nurture it. grow it.

doubt

I did not know that I would have so much to surrender.
I thought embarking on a new journey would be mostly about the gains.
It is sacrifice.
a mandatory pause.
will I be okay?
I won't be able to join my tribe; the things that nourish me. laughter. touch. wisdom. laughter.  community. depth. laughter. healing. feeling my place in the scheme of things.
ok. ok.
i'm in a shadow right now. On the eve of round 2 of many rounds: learning, reading, writing, synthesizing, staying up late, missing exercise, missing meals, missing movies and books, and friends.
can I do it?
yes, and also.
should I?
that's the worst question because it is saturated with ambivalence. should I, shouldn't I? I could dance between worlds and never put my foot down once. the eternal suspension is full of anxiety, urgency, panic, and exhaustion.

it is hard because I never had a solid answer to begin with: why are you going to grad school?
you have a successful, thriving private practice, a place in the professional world. you are creating art: doing theatre, dance. what are you hoping for? what are your goals? what are you going to do with the degree?
and, all I have to go on is my intuition.
a knowing.
an answering to the tug that says, "go this way. and, go now."

and I trusted it.
because I almost did go to grad school back in the day. Accepted to Naropa's Movement Therapy program. and I heard the voice that said, "mmm, no. not now. defer...then, no. not this way."

was that voice wrong?
who knows. probably not.
who knows who amongst my voices is ever speaking.
maybe the reckless one that wants to make me sacrifice everything, to pull me into deeper isolation and away from the present offerings. maybe the wise one that knows that none of that is lost; it continues but may pause. there are things that used to be my essence that are not being fed: teaching, dancing, creating, living as an artist. sharing my wisdom with groups, discovering my wisdom and healing by sharing my creative visions with others.

my private practice and even assisting has been, in some ways, a hiding place. I was one amongst many talents. nothing special. just equal. just me.
that's good, too.
but, there are things we come into this world to birth and bring forth.
there is something that seems to be alchemizing in this blind walk: art, teaching, healing, something more deeply personal that includes me and my story, something about justice and social change, a way to impact the world in a larger way. for animals, for humans, for the planet. I don't know. these are all hunches, that's all.

but it's the eve of my 2nd class. The first class almost killed me. it can't be good to feel the surge of cortisol on a regular basis....what am I doing?
but I also am happy. I'm using my mind. my intellect. my heart.
towards something good.

but, I always ask...
can't I just start teaching and creating art again?
Do I have to go to graduate school and give up so much in order to.. .what?

living in the mystery.


Photo by Aaron Mello on Unsplash