heads or tails

joy spins like a coin on its edge.

eventually, it will show you heads and tails.

heads it was only hours ago,

and tails it is, now.

I kind of knew this moment would come. I've been doing well these past few days, if not weeks. Wondering upon my resilience and settling into the new strength and peace. Something new has been born in me; nothing takes this away. My smile, my laugh; real. more me than ever. I thought, "Jabberwocky (with a capital J) Slain. Hello to the muchness of me (with a capital M). Me."

But, now I also see the toll these last few months have taken. I went on a hike up one of my favorite BRP trails with Ursa; sun, bright blue sky, leaves crunching, new friends and dogs along the way...beauty-full.

And, I was so physically worn from it. Like every last amount of my energy was drained. I just wanted to lie down on the trail and sleep it away, go in, dream, let it all go.

It's just moments like that and I realize how much I am still integrating.

Not too far into a yoga class a few nights ago I thought "ok, that's enough...time to go home."

I'm just tired.

that's okay.

Today. Actually, right now (about) it is one month to the hour that my dad passed away. I was having a great homecooked dinner with friends and midway, something just shut down in me. Exhaustion. Collapse. Anxiety. Panic. I just kind of feel like I'm plugged in to a pretty high voltage power source. A little too much charge is coursing through the system. Now that the dishes are cleaned and everyone's gone home, it occurs to me that I'm tuning into the anniversary. It makes sense on that level, so I think I can ride out the fear and physical grit. Sleep can restore me. Tomorrow is another day.

It comes in flashes. Grief is so odd. I got a card in the mail from Pea's vet. A handwritten sympathy card. At first I thought, there's a mistake. No one died. Why is the vet sending me a sympathy card? Then I read it and remembered, then I felt strange and guilty for not connecting the dots immediately, then I felt so completely cared for in such an unexpected way, then I cried, for maybe a second, then I kept driving and went to teach anatomy and had everyone dancing to Duran Duran's "the Reflex" (we were learning reflex arcs) and I had a great joy growing in my heart.

and today, joy and tonight, fear.

so,

it is what it is.

the coin spinning.