riffs on love and losses.

i know i haven't written and that I do this from time to time. don't write. and it always bites me in the ass because then everything gets all clogged up. i need to write. it frees up things inside of me that need, absolutely need to move. so i have to resume my task when it has been a long time with this boring and pedantic free writing business and it is all happening on my blog because i seem to write more consistently with this blog than if i were just to write it with a pen or type into a secret folder. someone needs to have access to it, maybe. even if they don't read it. a not so anonymous journal of my private thoughts which, right now, are not all that interesting and hardly spicy or scandalous or even mildly entertaining. it seems there is nothing original about me and my writing. now that facebook has everyone writing their daily wisdoms, witticisms and worthless blather....i feel quite ordinary. another penguin in the pack of penguins, whatever that means. ive just strayed far from my sweet original voice. not even singing write now. not for a while. not even dancing. not for a while. thats because of pain and injury. the other things, probably mostly because of love. living with my love and spending my free time somewhere other than my inside. i need to reaquaint with my insides. i like them. its a nice place to visit. i should really cultivate that relationship much more. ok, so i will. it's 1240am...we painted the dining room and talked about old loves. and so, now, my love is soft and tender and somewhere far from me, a world of nostalgia or melancholy or grief or tenderness or longing or letting go or something. maybe, even joy. i don't know. and I don't know that he's so far away even. he's just in there playing his guitar, singing his old songs about love and loss and it feels like a world that doesn't include me. i didn't exist yet. my parallel universe was spinning me somewhere else with my own sorrows and joys, losses and longings. in any case, he's somewhere that i am not a part of. so i'm in here, giving it a stretch of space and trusting that this world will be the one he returns to. this world, with me. with a risk of love. with a truth. with a full and open heart. here for all the right reasons.

its got me tender in my own way. the topic of love. i feel the bracing when i love too hard. the fear that comes in and tenses the fences around my heart. loving too hard means a great grief is inevitable. oh love. how do i open to it fully and bear the pain and joy? ok. i'm done freewriting for now. the channel is open. i'llseeyou soon.