because i said i would

For all those born beneath an angry star
lest we forget how fragile we are

on and on the rain will fall
like tears from a star
on and on the rain will say
how fragile we are
-sting

if only a few words tremble out of this mouth
and make it to the page
then I have done what I set out to do.

to speak.
to begin again.

with old music playing, so much that it felt like nothing I have ever done has mattered,
I rose to the occasion of stretching and falling and remembering
my blood and breath.
I am trying to dance with this deep borne melancholy that is sometimes the only familiar place I recognize.
my skin is not the same. nor my heart.
I want closeness and laughter and that way of knowing in a darkened room what a face feels like and that there is something there.
I feel far away from all of my friends. It is a distance that is impossible.
I have lost so many.
I don't want to reach out but I want to be caught.
I want to be there for all of it, but I don't know for who.

I don't want to suffocate myself with loneliness.
I don't want to suffocate my love. He is good. He is love. He is all of everything, but he can't hold all of everything for me. He shouldn't have to.
I am immense and tangled and a storm that sometimes needs to be set off to sea.

I am grateful.

and, this thickness of gray gets the better of me sometimes.