this

I am just not.
I don't know.
where were you? where are you?
I looked everywhere and I looked for a long time and
suddenly
I get this thought in my head,
this tangle of syllables on my tongue,
this melancholic urgency
to say
this.

and here you are.
in a sudden blink of light.

at the right time.

I don't feel up to anything.
I don't hear music or dance the way I used to.
I watch the world from the outside
and I help those on the outside to go back inside.
I watch old friends and am invited into their bones
while I sit alone and unattended at the edge of my own skin.

I don't feel up to anything.
I used to know how to make friends. I used to spring to a rhythm.
I don't anymore.
It's quieter. more subdued.
often resigned.

my heart splits to life with deer and dragonfly,
lightning bugs and a moon in the earliest morning hours
hushed by fog.
I'm happy in some ways, too.
Restarted in a clean space, a cared for and peaceful
nest.
a love that sees me and needs me.

but my past fires are muted.
the song, the dance, the act.

I just want to listen now to trees
and birdsong.
and feel the gentle magic of rain
and love surrounding me.