roses and ruins.

sometimes it has to be written in order to put it a certain distance away from myself; in order to see it and hear it.

time is traveling fast. three and a half months now since dad passed away. longer for the beginning marker of this topsy turvy journey. there are weeks of rest. rest, meaning time away from staring it in the face. periods of integration, I guess you could call them.

for weeks, I followed a bliss that burst in my heart. there is a paradoxical joy blooming from the losses. it continues. this man, this sweet and tender heart, this surprise that unlocks the hidden places in me, leaves me awed and humbled by my own reflections...he is a great gift. I recognize this blessing. And with all my courage and gratitude, I receive, I receive, I receive.

In the last couple of days? weeks?, the sediment has been unsettled and I'm once again wading in a water that leaves a thin film of something gross on my skin. I'm in the ring with my siblings and we are having to take on the task of dad's estate and assets. There is difference of opinion, there is unnamed rage and pain, there is judgement, shame and blame loose in the wind. It has taken it's punches at me, and I have faltered. This faltering has reeled me back onto my heels and, now, I notice...even with the newest of loves...I am guarding and protecting and taking on the whole of the world as if the whole of the world wants me dead.

this is my note to myself.

not true.

I emerged from this ragged race a while ago with something sure. Strength. Power. Joy. Fearlessness. ME.

I had a conviction and intention to live my life fearlessly and boldly. My heart, the driver. My mind, playing the crossword in the back seat. I let happiness in. Let him in. Let myself in. I took leaps and felt the wind sing in my wings.

I can still be that. I can still fly. I can still CHOOSE happiness and FEARLESSNESS.

I CHOOSE LOVE!

This is a more complicated dive, only. that's all. I am learning to stay in my heart. LOVE, yes. AND. AND. AND.

exercise boundaries and limits and NO I wont' be treated thisa way.

I taste ease. I taste what it is to flow and let love in and happiness just come to me. I taste the memory of YES, THIS IS MY BIRTHRIGHT.

I get around my sisters and all hell breaks loose in me. I forget so fast.

I swing back down to the ground and eat dirt. go all invisible and worthless and shaped like shit.

I caught it last night. Caught myself sinking in the muck.

After a 3 hour marathon of hissing and hiding and swimming in the mire of the field of fog......my good heart spilled out sideways and all my fears and lonelinesses and worthlessnesses and and and just laid themselves smack across his forehead and everyword he said was theirs and I fell hard and sad. I turned away and declared my incompetence and failure at relationship. I turned away. and, caught myself in the turning and turned right back around to face him. I began to name the misdirections I was running in because he, this gift, this gift....laughed and tickled and poked and played and said, with a smile and a sweetness, that infuriated me at the time, that he was not going to go down with this ship. He KNEW it was not about us and here I was acrobatting to make it so. He saw the pain and some stark wisdom held the ground for us.

I was left alone with me. All the pain, insecurity, victimization, anger, invisibility, worthlessness, misunderstanding......me. Me and a room full of mirrors.

My God, what gift was I handed by this.

This man moves right into my soul and comes out, arms full of roses and ruins. It scares me that he sees it. And, it matters to me more than I can say outloud.

I don't want to tangle in this soap opera anymore.

I don't want this drama.

I want this love.

I step back from the family and try with all my heart to see them for who they are. To gain enough distance so that I stop taking everything so damn personally. no matter what they say or do or think about me, I have to let it go and recognize that it doesn't determine who I am. They have no control over me. They don't ever have to see me or understand me or get it right about me. Truly, NO ONE does. EXCEPT ME.

I am the only one in the world I have to get square with and be okay with. I am the only one in the world who really has to love me.

This is the next leg of the journey for me.

Me.