the leaving to become

part one.

ugly.


i am black,  i am yellow
i think i sound like you, i think i look like you.
but, i'm not and i don't.

i try so hard to sing the songs you sing.
i find a note and belt it.
i close my eyes and dance.
i flap my wings and spin and soar,
my heart is exploding with joy.
i feel so much me and, so, a part of you.

i open my eyes and all of you are standing at the wall,
one armed stretching towards me,
one finger pointing.
your laughter is deafening
and cruel.

i stand at the mirror and see nothing but ugliness.
nothing but wrong.
nothing but different.
nothing.

i tear at my feathers and curse my voice for being so awkward and strange
and,
other.
i mourn the space around me and hate myself for wanting any of you.
i hate myself for wanting.

i know i am black and you are yellow,
and i am yellow and you are black.
and, still, the need is greater than the reasoning.
a nest is a nest.