I'll try a little every day. A little at a time.

Yesterday, Dr. Cook called me. I'd asked my mom to call the office and let him know; I didn't want any calls from them for routine shit like "it's time for Ursa's 6 month checkup" or anything like that. She told him what happened. I saw the call coming in from All Pets Animal Hospital and I almost didn't have the courage to answer. I'd forgotten I'd asked my mom to place that call. I answered.

"Shari, this is Joshua Cook. I heard about what happened with Ursa and I wanted to reach out and tell you how sorry I am..."

I am sobbing. Hearing bits and pieces. thoughtfulness. kindness. empathy. he said "I know she was your daughter..." your heart dog. your whole heart. You loved her so completely. She was so loved and happy with you. you did everything you could do. you did the right thing.

even as he asked for permission to talk with Dr. Lee at Upstate and try to piece the pieces together.

What happened? Did something get missed?

I tell him I cannot bear if he discovers something was missed; something we could have done. At the place we are now, the place of no return, I cannot bear it. 

I cried for a while after I got off the call. 

I am missing her so much.

Today I had to go the chiropractor and Physical therapy. Since the moment of her death, my right shoulder, arm, neck...all of it...folded like a pocket telescope, tucked itself into itself. I am in great physical pain and immobility. My heart is trying to buffet itself from the force of the storms of loss and love. But, I am locked inside with the pain.

This journey will transform me. there is no doubt. I am already not who I used to be.