today has been hard.

Yesterday I slept most of the day after sitting at the fire for a couple of hours, talking, processing, feeling, healing, receiving care and feathers and counsel.

Today I am worn.

I walked a mile. the world felt gray. I could not find my smile. I have been entangled in such a mesh of feelings. I wrote a memorial for Ursa and posted it. I've been trying to find the words for days. Writing it made it real. I feel scared and sick and panicked all over again. I poured through dozens of pictures and posted many. After posting all of it, I felt as if I'd been rolled through a grinder. I'm exhausted, scared, nauseous, and fully under the press of grief.

My belly is waving like an unsettled sea.

So many people are writing the kindest comments, sending such love and empathy. I reply, because it touches me. holds me. reminds me I'll live through this. But, in the midst of replies, I realize I am full. I want to vomit. It is all too real. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. I cannot retreat to a corner of denial. I'm in the bright light of reality and I can't bear it. I'm panicking. I hope that I sleep tonight and find myself in balance again in the morning. That I can cope with the world without her.

I am so strangely afraid.