mourning morning

 I woke up heavy and sad. The good news is that Luna came and slept with me during the early morning hours. I lay on my side and stretch my arms in front of me, connected at my fingers. I make a circle; a heart. I call her and she comes up the bed ramp (designed for Ursa) and curls into the embrace of my arms. It is the most delightful and heartwarming thing we do together. She also woke Robert up in the early morning by knocking things off his nightstand and batting at the twinkle lights we have stretched across our headboard. This is her morning ritual of energy and food. These are signs of life. I breathe.

It takes me a while to turn in bed. All of my muscles have landed in their place and they pull and grab and grumble when I move. It takes me several minutes to turn to my side, sipping breaths from my armored lungs. It takes me a few more to sit and stand. Every day begins with a mandatory thawing in a hot bath.

I am concerned for my mental health. The day is reaching into my room through the windows; sunshine, cool air,  birdsong, green. I long to be asleep even though I'm not at all tired.

Luna cries and I am pierced in the heart; this heart that feels crushed and wrung out. I often get the image of myself laying limp in the dirt, surrendering with each pass of four heavy tires rolling over me. Back and forth. Forward and back. 

Over and over again.

It is challenging to consider launching into a blue sky of day when my wings have been pinned to my side. The smallest efforts can end up in a face plant.

Get up. Breathe. Muck about the day. Name gratitudes. Breathe. Adapt to this new way of being as best I can. Rinse. Repeat.

I am grateful I don't have substance abuse issues. So grateful. There is no doubt I would have relapsed by now and been in more dire straights. I have no doubt. There are things to be grateful for. The beauty may seem out of reach through this dark night, but there have been hands to hold in the dark, my purring beloved coiled in my arms, hot baths, food made for me, sleep, kind care. I just have to make it through. The moon will guide me.