spoken like a true

I am the smallest.

although I am three, not four.

I am the blackest.

although things unseen are seen around me.

I am silent.

although actions speak louder than words.

it is a complicated conflict in my heart these days.

there is, on one hand, the discovery of denial.

my vision has changed from all that I see so that now I see less and more at the same time.

one day I am startled awake

and the next I am hard to rouse from sleep.

one day my father loves me

and the next he tells me I am dead.

I am told not to take this personally.

now, I'm told it is dementia.

and it is dying

and dying trumps any behavior. past or present.

I'm told to try not to be so sensitive when every muscle aches with memory.

Try not to be so sensitive when the truck rolls over you, and

backs up to do it again.

and again.

and again.

look, instead, for the inbetween places

when he is just a dying, old man.

it doesn't count now.

it doesn't count.

it's dementia.

and cancer.

and old age.

and death knocking.

and I'm here,

listening to a deep and satiating rain coming down around me,

unable to sleep,

and barely able to keep my eyes open

with all kinds of collisions inside my heart, sirens screaming,

horns blaring.

truth. trickery. compassion. courage.

pain. protection. love. grief.

terror.

what am I so afraid of now?

how can those words hurt me now, except that they do

and I can't help that.

or apologize for it.

my bones break just like anybody's. maybe more.

it's not a grudge to take my time to recover.

it's a conflict.

when there is a stopwatch hovering over my shoulder.

that anyday he will die.

he is losing strength so I have to figure out NOW what to do about this whole complicated mess.

I have to figure out now WHICH fear to rally through.

I have to do this without all of you because because because because.....

and I am brokenhearted and alone in this.

and THIS is a big thing that's come down the pike

fast and hard and unrelenting and

it is tearing me open.

when i do fall into dreams tonight,

I pray for the

clarity and courage and

answers to come.

how to emerge and move with love.

compassion. truth.

how to trust.

and please, oh please,

may I know I am not alone

and may I feel and be protected and held,

always.

one thing I do trust:

my true heart.