the teacher is new. and nervous. and fumbling over her dialogue. and including every word of the dialogue, but more as a hybrid version of the words; she is inventing a new language.
don't brink.
windremoving pose is massaging your coalum.
bring your chins to your trest.
feel your abdominum.
L as in Inda.
stresh your leggaz.
as examples....
by eagle posture, I am exhausted.
by standing head to knee, I am losing the will to continue.
we are held in postures for very long periods of time and there is nothing to support us. the disorganization disorganizes me. I watch how my own muscles and nervous system can no longer assemble into even the most familiar places. in some ways, it is a fascinating opportunity to see, with my SE mind, the effects of a disorganized field on my very own nervous system's capacity to function. It is a slow unravel.
In other ways, I am witnessing my own emotions surface and bounce, feeling the room quickly disintegrate from union and community into basic stabs at surviving the class. Lots of people are giving up, coming out of postures early, not waiting for others to enter, diving into savasana and becoming heavier and heavier in their energy.
the class is a slow and painful burn.
I do my best to rally and see the practice with some ounce of optimism: what are the opportunities, what am I grateful for? This works for some small doses of pacification but, truly, I have descended into survival mode. I am doing what I can do to make it to the end of class without getting hurt. I am trying to shut out her voice, which is only serving to aggravate things, and listen to my own inner dialogue. But, I don't have the dialogue committed to my hard drive, so I am just doing what I know to do and deciding that this is not going to be a class where I go to the physical edges and can trust that I am supported. It really helps me appreciate all of the other teachers and to see how much I rely on their support; how much I TRUST them. It really helps me to appreciate how the whole room supports each other.
In all that disorganization I have moments of directing myself to the present moment, now,and volitionally deciding that even this is something, a moment, that I am grateful for. In the grand scheme of things, it is really no big deal. In the disorganization, I say to myself, as I would in renegotiating an attachment compensation, "I am organized, I am secure." Sort of like trying to out do the vortex of chaos with the attention towards whatever is left of clarity.
The good news is this: I make it to the end of class. with no injuries.
The entire floor series, because she ran out of time, is void of savasanas so I feel like I have been in some kind of meat grinder, but I am lying on the floor, done and still in one piece.
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