yesterday was so intense i didn't find the time to write. day 12 seriously tanked me, then I drove to hot springs to meet my sweetheart and his friends fresh, or not so fresh, off a few days on the Appalachian Trail and we sat in a hot mineral tub for an hour and took naps before indulging in delicious thai food. a good day but, I was spent.
today, day 13, 8am. I can hardly believe I did it.
I questioned if it was a smart thing to go to a class when I was experiencing such fatigue and all over body pain but, I went. It's what I committed to. I gave myself permission to go "as is" and to abandon expectations about what I could or couldn't do, should or shouldn't do.
I'm glad I went.
yes, I was tired. yes, my hamstrings seem to be tighter and more restricted than ever.
but, I went. I am finding openings and spaces in all of the postures. yes, all of them, tight hamstrings and all.
for example, standing head to knee. I am continually working on my standing leg and today I got the nuance of the up leg (thigh) needing to be parallel to the ground. This seriously challenges my lower back issues so I just worked there. slowly, patiently. breathing. forgetting about the "end result" and enjoying, yes, enjoying, the smallest of invitations to lengthen into my back and strengthen into my leg. this is good.
I am finding nuances of traction and alignment in tortoise.
I am feeling the gentleness of my thoughts winning over the frustration of "where I am not" in locust. someday my legs may or may not come up to a place where I can see them in the mirror. I'll keep working at it, finding ways to enjoy where I am.
The whole practice continually continues to be about the inner dialogue and finding a nice quiet room for my mind to take a little rest.
Yesterday, while driving to the studio there was a groundhog trying to cross 19-23. It shook me to the core. I felt sick and sad and scared. It was so innocently going about living it's life and there it was, sandwiched between swerving high speed cars, only half way across the road. It made me want to collapse and fall into despair. It's the third groundhog I've encountered in this way. The first two, right outside my house, I saw several times living their lives before seeing them dead on the side of the road. It broke my heart. This one, yesterday, trying to cross a busy highway, was alive, confused and scared. I went past it and didn't see what happened. I saw cars swing out of their way and I was grateful for that, but I didn't see if it made it across or if it was struck. This left me with a sinking feeling in my body. There are so many animals killed daily on these roads because we, the people, have left them with very little of their own territories. The intersection of our paths tends to go poorly for them. I've seen so much of it lately and it makes me feel helpless. So yesterday, I dedicated my whole practice to the groundhogs and to all the animals that lose out when they encounter our species: squirrels, rabbits, birds, bear, deer, possum, skunk, etc.
Today, I continued my dedication and was able to bring it into most of my postures. My strength and will go towards their blessing. I am not turning a blind eye. I honor their lives. I am witnessing this. My strength and will go towards their blessing.
....and then, I begin finding the soft rest of savasana in every posture.
Everything is as it is. I stay present and bear witness and honor what is here. My strength, will, softness and compassion are dedicated to the blessing of the animals. May my practice and intention intersect with and bless their lives.
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