complicated grief.

if I am not writing to an audience,

I am writing freely.

today I spoke at my father's burial.

since then I have been twisted into knots with anxiety and panic and swirl.

My voice demanded sky, but after flying, it has punished me severely.

I stood and shook, one hand on the American flag draped on my father's casket.

I spoke through shaking and tears.

I said "i love my father"

I said "it comforts me to hear how kind he was to people, how much he was loved and that he loved people. how generous he was."

"through complicated grief, i say...I grieve because I did not experience these kindnesses. i do not know this part of the man. I hope one day to feel it, to know it. to feel love from him. for now, I grieve. but, i will say this : i love my dad"

i sat and immediately felt like i would die. the earth would open up and swallow me, god willing.

I felt separation, shame, guilt, blame, anger.

the rest was a blur.

As he was interred, I placed a single red rose on his vault and told him I love him, bless him and wish him peace. Go to the ancestors and be joyful and know love.

then, I ran.

I just walked away and away and away.......

I folded and cried and called to anyone who loves me, called to the Goddess herself, to please come....let me be held, loved, forgiven, guided. I railed at the sky, curled at the gravestones, wept and waited for a sliver of solace. The clouds greyed, but the rain refused to fall.

I felt regret for speaking. fear for speaking. terror for speaking. for speaking what I spoke. for not having arrived at a more tidy place of forgiveness and love and peace. I felt storms in my soul as I heard people talk about his greatness. I felt grief for not knowing that. I felt anger for not knowing that. I felt guilt for not knowing if it was my fault for not knowing him. am i too sensitive? did I get all of this wrong? there is a distance between me and the rest of the gathering, the rest of my family. do I carry all of this on my own? they tell me they have resolution, peace with it. where am I? where have I gone?

After speaking, what little ground I had gained, has fallen through. I am turbulent and tormented right now.

run. run. run.

there is no where to go.

my father is gone. all chances to mend and forgive and be a better person are gone.

have I fucked up this whole opportunity?

am I selfish?

am I so sensitive that I can't recover from a lifetime of fear at the moment of death?

somewhere in me, there is a truth that understands why I could not let it go so quickly.

it's the paradoxical part of me that knows i have to walk the whole road to get to this, not just skip to the ending.

it has to count.

it has to be real.

for now, i am swallowed in guilt and confusion and loneliness. I just don't know where to be.

it is terrible fucking pain.