house of sand and fog.

wondering why this movie was slipped onto my plate right now.....

Shakespearean tragic with a capital WTF.

it brings me round to what I have circled around for the last couple of days.

grief upon grief.

Oct 24 was the one year anniversary of F's suicide. She wrote notes. locked the door. then, swallowed something like 80 prescription pills and drifted into death in her bedroom.

I was seaside at the time. fighting; the seams were fraying. Bold truths were sitting in the corner of the room with their arms crossed, toes tapping. I'd already paced the shoreline, feeling lost and wild.

Peace and truces were in play and things had just started to quiet back down. The phone call surprised me and jumpstarted my heart. It was late.

Mom called to tell me. She came right out with it. F passed away.

Immediately, I was engulfed in tears and shock. I sobbed and shook myself in disbelief. Should we drive home tonight or wait until the morning? morning. Held, I cried until I fell asleep.

In the morning I kissed the sea, wept and said a prayer.

Once I was back home, there was very little talk about it. There was no place to openly grieve, except for within the therapeutic hours. The love that held me took his distance. If there was a way in to talk with my family, I couldn't find it.

Her burial happened within a day or two. Just the nuclear family.

I didn't get there. We didn't get there.

Dad didn't go. wouldn't go. couldn't go. who knows? Later, he horrified me with reason. Right now, I can't go into that. Or maybe I could, or should.....but, right now, I won't. It's too much.

I wrote poems for F. I pulled her pictures out and wept. I sat at my altar and prayed. It was all I could do.

I wondered, and still do, what happened for her after death. After taking her own life, would there be consequences? Is everything taken into account in that case? Does it matter?

Is she lost still? Has she found home?

Does she need help?

Has her suffering ceased? Is she a ghost?

I miss her. It was raw and real when I was in Florida for dad's passing. I was in her house. I visited her grave. It is across the road from dad.

I miss her kindness. She asked no questions when I told her about my divorce. She immediately said "I want you only to be happy. If this was not good, you find good. you deserve a good man, happiness. You have this. I wish this for you. I love you so much"

I miss her cooking. Oh, what can I say about the Persian feasts she would prepare daily. Her culinary generosity and art was exceptional.

I miss her.

F, I say this to you....where you are, I hope is good. I hope you are happy and feeling good, not in anymore pain. You deserve happiness, peace, freedom and love. I wish this for you. I love you so much.