si

dear loves,

I wanted to write to let you know that we buried my father today. he passed away on Monday evening, October 11, 2010. I was not able to be there. His passing had been imminent for some days, my bag was packed to leave the next morning, but I was not with him when he left. My sisters, La and Li, were each holding his hands and told me that he seemed peaceful, happy, ready...as he left.

My relationship with him was a complicated one. He was, indeed, a complicated man. The grief I experience is complicated. I have been here in Florida listening to the people in his life speak about his abundant kindness, generosity, brilliance, intelligence, sensitivity and compassion. My grief is tumbled in the starkly contrasting experiences I have had with him. I have not found a place to land. I do not recall this kindness or compassion.

fuck it.

I just can't write about it right now.